I notice I immediately get tense whenever certain of my children's friends come over. Actually I get this feeling when most anyone is in my 'space'. It's a feeling of being invaded, put upon, taken advantage of. This makes no sense in reality because they're actually pretty cool kids and thankfully, I'm aware and awake enough to realize it's not them, it's ME.
I feel like they're going to take something from me, whether it be peace or peace of mind, my personal resources like food, money, etc. They will make things scarce and hard for me and mine. I will then "not have enough" for my and my family's needs. I will be imposed upon to go back to the grocery, drug store, wherever, to get more. I will be inconvenienced.
My friends, this is egoic, self-preservational (is this a word?) fear-based nonsense. I know it, I teach it for goodness sakes!, and yet I still feel the power of the emotional response tied to this as yet unknown and unnamed belief (I'll explore this later). Maybe at one time in my life it did serve me but not anymore. First off, I'm quite well off and there's nothing these two kids could ask me for that I couldn't immediately replace. And addressing the second "feeling" of being inconvenienced and having to go shopping to replace whatever, it's not like time is scarce for me. I work at the office three days a week; the rest I'm home pissing about. Why then this gut reaction?
I am SO tempted to psycho-analyze here. Yes, I've been to therapy and once you do that you can quickly get in the (bad) habit of becoming your own psychiatrist. Just remember, you can't solve your problems using the same mind that created them! Ok? Let's start with some facts of my life's experience that even my therapist agrees are linked to how I feel today:
1) I was sexually abused from the age of 6 until the age of 8; and I'm talking the whole nine yards including the abuser at times bringing his friend over to take part; (my face is getting hot and my whole head feels stuffed - will now pause to do some EFT)
ok, I'm back
2) hm.
You know what? There is no "2." Everything other "fact" I could write about seems to be based on and stem from "1.). How then does this experience that happened at least 37 years ago still cause me to act with resentment against anyone who I feel is imposing on me? Next time I'll explore how awakening and awareness helped me reach this level of comfort in confronting my own inner "demons." Still have a way to go but actually I now enjoy the journey.
Tata!
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