Who's Teaching Who? Life with a teenager

Those of us with teens know how challenging - at times - these years can be for both parties; two days ago I made a silent promise to myself to go on a negativity diet - no more focusing only on the messy room, the wet towels on the floor, the constant stupid BBM chimes or even the occasional smartass comments. I decided that even if she did or said 100 "negative" things and only 1 positive, I was gonna focus on the positive. I began to thank her for any and every little thing. And yes, at times I really had to reach to do this. "Thank you darling for putting your dishes in the sink (well, NEAR the sink) and not on your floor; "Thank you honey for helping with the laundry"; "Thanks for being nice to your sister"; and so on. Remember, the "diet" began just two days ago. Last night I went out with a friend and came in around 11:00. Went to the kitchen, opened the fridge and shrieked - OMG who put this ginormous Cadbury Fruit & Nut bar ( my absolute favorite) in here?? Then shrieked again - OMG who put this tub of Haagen-Dazs Rum & Raisin (another fav) ice cream in the freezer? My teen's casual voice floated in from the patio - "Those are for you Ma, I know you like that stuff." Moral of this story - at times I suck at this parenting shit and hate it, but when I let go and allow the divine to be my guide - oh how sweet it is! In life,you really do get back what you give out.

Mothers and Daughters

What's the deal with me and my Mom? Here's what my therapist opines: "Your guilty feelings stem from your ambiguous relationship with your mother?" Huh? Our relationship is hardly ambiguous - I love her and I hate her. Ok, ok, I guess that's what "ambiguous" means but the the way he said it made it feel like this is not normal! Well it's normal to me. It didn't used to bother me (I thought) until my own foray into motherhood - particularly when my daughter became a teenager - became a really dark place.

I think my approach to raising a teen might be labeled as anarchic. I pretty much let her do what she wants. She's always been a very independent child and I saw no reason to curb that side of her nature once she was old enough to begin the process of self-definition. It was not always this way.

When she turned 13, my daughter began to assert her new-found sense of independence in most dramatic ways: coming home late from school, staying out past curfew, in every way doing exactly the opposite of what I requested of her; in other words, rebelling. This caused me endless frustration and kept happening over and over. By the time she was 14 I was seriously ready to kill her or myself! Looking back, she did tell me to "lighten up" and "give her space" - very clearly expressing her needs. So what did I do? Exactly the opposite: calling her mobile every hour to check on her; giving her a curfew that was not appropriate to her age; checking out her friends like I was the FBI and well, just about everything else a scared, needy, over-bearing, insecure mother could do. Needless to say, this went down about as well as liquid cod liver oil.

Thankfully however, my inner guides stepped in, made me focus on me and showed me what and where I need to heal in order to stop creating so much turmoil in both of our lives.

So what does all this have to do with my own uncomfortable relationship with my mother? Guess what names I (inwardly, of course) call her? Scared, needy, over-bearing and insecure! Quell surprise, right? You gotta know that "if you spot it, you got it!" That's right. The reason I could spot it so easily in MY mom, was because she was playing the role of MY mirror. The universe - in it's infinite wisdom - was simply reflecting back to me, well, ME. This was what I was shown by my guides. Once I did the work of forgiveness necessary to heal the error in my thinking that led to these negative behaviors, my daughter's behavior totally changed. Actually I'm not sure how much her behavior actually changed as much as my perspective on her behavior. It was like little miracles were sent every day to help us forge a much clearer, smoother path.

So now when my Mom calls (and take note, she calls often!) and gets that unmistakeable note of censure in her tone when we begin to discuss my daughter, I now, instead of getting pissed off, thank my angels because I know that hidden in any negative emotional response is a holy message that says hey, you still have some inner work to do girlfriend!